Once Upon a Blech

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I was extremely non-plussed about the season premier for Once Upon A Time.  I was already slightly irritated going in, because of all the Disney characters to take on next, it seemed too soon to add the Frozen sisters to it.  But we don’t choose these things, they choose us.  So, I finally sat down with my DVR to see how it all worked out.  And disappointment ensued.

First and foremost, the actors don’t look at all like the characters, and that is the problem with the new technology used to make animations, in that they are so vivid and so realistic, that actual humans just don’t live up.  Especially that dude they cast as Kristoff.  I was expecting big, brawny, nordic, and I don’t know, BLONDE!  Ugh.  So disappointing.  I mean, doesn’t this guy look more like Hans than Kristoff:

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And the chick playing Ana, yeah, sweetie, you’re not Kristen Bell, so just stop, ok?  It physically hurt to watch her ‘act’.  And I refuse to even address Elsa.

The love triangle between Regina, Robin (mmmmm, Robin seanmaguire),and Marian is also irritating, but on the positive side, evil Regina is back!  I love her!  She’s so awful!  She’s everything a villain should be, and nice Regina never worked for me, sadly.  But no worries, because The Queen is back in full throttle, and has resurrected her trusty mirror to help her out.  I can’t wait to see what dark shenanigans she is going to create this season.

The rest of the characters are exactly as we left them.  Ruplestilskin is up to something, I don’t know what, and frankly don’t care much.  Emma and Hook are still doing their I love you, but don’t touch me yet dance that I fear will never end.  Snow and Charming are just the devoted new parents and had very little to add to the episode.

And evidently the story line is about Elsa searching for Ana who has gone off into the enchanted forest and has disappeared.

The special effects seemed really cheesy last night, and Arundel looked so fake, I could hardly watch.

Verdict – they better step up their game if they want me to continue to watch this season, because I found myself more bored than entertained with this first offering.  Although Robin Hood will probably always keep me coming back.  Here’s one more image just for the fun of it courtesy of fan forum.com.  Yummy!

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Happy Judging,

JB

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Ayyyyy Jayyyyyy! Modern Family – Season Premiere

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Sofia Vergara.  Say it again, and roll that Rrrrrrrrrr, honey.  Sofia Verrrrgarrrrrra!  This bitch is one of the most beautiful women on television, and she’s seriously funny!  She takes her craft very seriously, so much so that in this season’s pilot, she dresses down, and I mean seriously down, to prove a point to Jay.  Gloria Pritchett is the trophy wife extraordinare, and always looks phenomenal in her skin tight dresses and cleavage for days!  I mean, come on:

GloriaPritchettS5  And this season was no different.  Gorgeous Gloria is all done up, and friggin Jay comes in to their kitchen and is wearing these horrific glasses and a velour track suit and Gloria gives him that face of hers and calls him on the fact that he doesn’t try to look nice for her any longer, which is annoying since she ALWAYS tries to look nice for him.  And  he counters with a very cocky, “I don’t care what you look like, I love you for who you are.”  And she totally, 100%, completely calls his bluff!  And it was glorious.

Fast forward to a few scenes later and Jay is ready to take Gloria to meet clients, and she comes out looking like this!!!!!:

Sofia Vergara Is Looking Crazy On The Set Of 'Modern Family' Sofia Vergara Is Looking Crazy On The Set Of 'Modern Family'

YESSSSSS!  Jay tries to roll with it, letting her go all the way to the restaurant before admitting she was right, and likes that she puts in effort to look nice for him.  But good for Sofia Vergara for never taking herself too seriously.  I love the bravery on this, and I’m so friggin proud of her!

The rest of the episode was filled with Cam overdoing the romancing of Mitchell and the only good part of that was when Cam dressed Lily up as cupid and she shot Mitchell in the forehead with a suction arrow and nailed him right between the eyes.  Brilliant!  And the Dunphy’s were in summer bliss with Alex away doing her summer poor house building extra curiculars.  Everyone was having a wonderful time, then Alex comes back and with her, a negativity to derail all of the Dunphy joy.  In addition to the negative one, she’s also the smart one, and figures out she’s the problem, so the rest of the family quickly show that Alex is not the negativity, but rather the voice of reason.  All in all, a snore-fest of a story line.

I’m excited for this season, as this ensemble has wonderful writers and brilliant actors, but this opening drive was less than perfect.  If not for Vergara’s hilarity, this episode would have been boring as hell.  Step it up, people.

Your thoughts?

Happy Judging,

JB

Grace With a Gun?!?!? The Mysteries of Laura – Episodes 1 and 2

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I must admit, I was skeptical.  Debra Messing as a cop?  Um, yeah ok.  Quirky Grace Adler toting a gun, running after twins and taking down bad guys?  I just couldn’t see it.  But I forgot a very important thing about the talented Miss Messing.  Bitch has an MFA from friggin Tisch in NYU.  And for those of you who don’t know what that means, well trust me that is one of the top acting schools in the country, which means that Miss Messing can perform any character and doing it brilliantly.  And Detective Laura Diamond is no exception.

Let’s start with the fact that Debra looks amazing these days, and works that gun and shield like she has worn it all her life.  Courtsey of http://www.the-medium-is-not-enough.com check her out:

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Secondly, in addition to badge and seal, she’s also working through a divorce from the adorable Josh Lucas, and raising two of the most rambunctious twin boys ever shown on television.  It has a bit of a law and order feel to it mixed with a bit of Chicago PD, but since Messing is such a talented comedian, it’s got some really funny moments.  My favorite so far was in the second episode when she is questioning a suspect doing some sort of circus yoga class, and the suspect is a serious bitch.  She keeps insulting Detective Laura over and over, and winds up on her ass in the best way.  Followed in close second by a Pretty Woman-esque moment when Detective Diamond is insulted by a snotty sales girl:

This show is perfectly balanced between law and humor.  It’s columbo meets nancy drew, and honestly, I don’t see an ounce of Grace in there.  I love her relationship with her boys, and even enjoy the banter between Messing and Lucas.  As separated, recently divorced spouses, they still spar pretty well.  And the look on her face when he is promoted to her Captain was absolutely priceless.

Two cases have been solved, the first one spinning me for a loop when her first Captain turns out to be the killer.  I’m usually pretty good at figuring out the guilty party, but I didn’t see that one coming.  And in the second episode, a violent dbag is targeting middle aged women he calls DWARFs (Divorced women are ready to F*ck) and preying on them on an online dating site, taking them back to his place, and when they turn him down for sex, he beats them up and rapes them.  Detective Diamond goes undercover, and gets smacked around a bit, but manages to do some damage herself before her partner and ex-husband/partner comes in to help her since, by that point, she’s been smacked in the face with a candlestick and is being choked with her own scarf.

Her character is very well rounded, and is going through a lot.  A divorced working mom with a dangerous career, two rambunctious boys, seeing her ex at work every day, and still managing to get through life with, dare I say it, a little grace.

I’m looking forward to seeing how this show evolves.  I hope it makes it, because so far, it’s been delightful.  What do you think?  Will this one make it?

Happy Judging,

JB

Damn you, Dick Wolf! Chicago Fire – Season Premier

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I should be sleeping, but I couldn’t until I reviewed the friggin Chicago Fire premier!  The building exploded at the end of last season, and I figured someone wouldn’t make it out.  BUT NOT SHAY!!!!  Not Shay!  I loved Leslie Shay!  Why, Dick Wolf, why would you put Leslie through all of the crazy girlfriend self-destructive stuff only to bring her out the other end and then friggin kill her off?!?!?!  Damnit!

200_sSeveride is MIA, clearly can’t deal without her there.  Dawson is in classic avoidance mode, and we find out why at the end of the episode.  Shay was trying something new and changed places with Dawson, so the beam that fell and killed Shay, well, it should have been Dawson.  Either way would have sucked.  Instead of Severide, Casey would have been the one broken and absent.  And Shay would have been a mess without Dawson.  As a writer, I understand wanting to create emotional roller coasters, but couldn’t they have killed off a less lovable character, like friggen Mouch or Otis?  I’m pissed!

The rest of the episode is a blur as it was just a lot of Shay flashbacks.  And for whatever reason the douche bag from the other firehouse who treated Dawson like shit is still being a douche bag.  I truly don’t know what his problem is, but they could write those guys out of the story immediately and no one would care.

I don’t know how long they are going to drag the story out on this one, and part of me hopes Shay isn’t dead, but just in a coma or something, and I say that because no funeral was shown.  So, perhaps there’s hope.

Verdict – amazing acting, great writing, but I’ll be really pissed if she is in fact dead!  Damn you, Dick Wolf!

I’d love your feedback on this one.

Happy Judging!

JB

Coitus?!?!? Did Sheldon say Coitus???? The Big Bang Theory – Episode 1

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I must say, the first episode of this season’s Big Bang Theory didn’t thrill me until about half way in when Sheldon made this statement:  “Leonard, when we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy.”  WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!  Ok, hold on, let’s back up. We start the episode with a flashback to the end of last season reminding us all that too much change was happening, so Sheldon needed to get away from it all, and was left at the train station.  The first scene was Sheldon, 45 days into his trip, looking like this: BBT - 1I mean, come on!  Is there anything better than Sheldon in his underwear?  The last time we saw that was one of my favorite episodes, where he agreed to go receive his award, let Penny dress him, and then tried alcohol for the first time to relax, and ended up making a complete fool out of himself aaaand dropped trow: sheldon-pants   Will never forget that episode!  Classic!

But I digress, back to the premier. So, Sheldon has been robbed while on his trip, and is in Arizona, pants-less, and trying to get help, but of course, in his Sheldon-esque ways, he ends up arrested, and calls home for help. Leonard and Amy head off on a road trip to rescue him and Penny stays behind for the one thing I REALLLLLLLLY want to discuss…her stupid haircut! Kaley Cuoco Sweeting, while I’m sure ready for a change of hair, chose a cut that is so anti-Penny, I can’t even stand it.  I mean, look at this:

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That new cut is so sophisticated and mature…neither words I would use to describe Penny.  If Kaley wanted a new do, why did they have to give it to Penny as well?  Give the girl a wig or something because it just doesn’t fit the character.  She’s supposed to be the ditzy, yet lovable blonde, and now that just doesn’t read.  Ugh.  Fail!

Anyway, back to the road trip, so after rescuing Sheldon, Amy gives him a piece of her mind because when he needed help, he called Leonard and not her.  All of which I found ridiculous and petty, until, in the car, Sheldon has Amy cover her ears so he can have a moment alone with Leonard.  Once her ears are completely plugged, he turns to Leonard and says, “Leonard…when we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy.”  I literally spit my tea all over the damn place!  Then looks back and says, “Good, she really can’t hear.”  Bravo!  Beautifully written, and beautifully delivered.  Oh, that Jim Parsons just acts his ass off every episode, and I adore him! They all finally return, and he sees Penny’s hair and runs off screaming.  I couldn’t agree more!

In other news, Stuart has been taking care of Howard’s mother all during hiatus, and the two have seriously bonded.  So much so, that Howie is a liiiiitle bit threatened.  My favorite was when Raj suggested maybe Stuart and Mrs. Wallowitz were more than friends, to which Howard completely freaked out in the only way a kid can when thinking about their parents having sex.  Epic!  After some arguing, some cattiness and some threats and ultimatums, Stuart does exactly what he wants regardless of Howard’s strenuous objections and moves in with Mrs. Wallowitz.  They have a joint voicemail that is too good to repeat.  You just gotta watch it. Verdict – a slow start, but a fantastic finish.

Welcome back, nerds, welcome back.

Happy Judging

JB

WTF??? The Good Wife – Season 6, Episode 1 – “The Line”

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Alright, I’m a fan of The Good Wife, have been for years.  I’ve watched Cary Argos go from ADA working for the dirty governor-to-be to weaseling his way into Lockhart Gardner, to instigating the coup to snag Alicia and start Floric Agos.  I’ve watched him do his ridiculous dance with Kalinda, and found myself rooting for him in the past few seasons.  So, imagine my shock while, anxiously awaiting him to meet up with Kalinda for a, hopefully, hot sex scene, my eyes shoot open wide as I watch him be brutally arrested by policeman!  And to be done so without any charges, and with complete abuse!  I was like, WTF???

And thank you, Mr. Scott, for making all of us, Cary included, wait for about 20 minutes to find out what the eff he did to land in the big house.  That was excruciating, and while Eli’s daughter is delightful (remember the fabulous daughter from Spanglish? She’s all grown up and just as fabulous and even more sassy!), and her confronting the panty-less intern (you gotta just watch it to know), I really was dying to know why Cary was enduring lock up.  And of course, all crappy roads lead to friggin Bishop.

The Prosecution is seriously out to make an example of Cary, and the poor pretty blonde can’t catch a break, no matter how hard Alicia tries.  Bail set for 1.3 million dollars.  Then they manage to get it, and the prosecutor wants to know who supplied the money.  Every motion Alicia files is denied, and it’s seriously starting to piss me off.  Oh!  And one of Kalinda’s former lesbian lovers is working with the cops, admits there’s an undercover cop in Bishop’s team, but won’t give up who it is.

The end of the episode leaves us as Cary is sent back to jail to await one week until a hearing to discern supplier of the bail money can be heard.  Poor kid is just being treated so poorly in there, including having his hand sliced by one of Bishop’s guys inside to prove he’s loyal to Bishop and won’t turn on him.  I’m already over this whole plot line and I fear it’s only just begun.

In other news, Diane wants to join Floric Argos with ridiculous demands, Eli wants Alicia to run for office and Peter is adamant that isn’t going to happen.

Verdict:  All in all a very good episode, but because I love Cary, I hate to watch him go through all this. I hope this gets wrapped soon, because I don’t want to watch Cary waste away in jail all friggin season.

Your thoughts?

Happy Judging,

JB

Fall Television – Prepare to Be Judged!

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All Rise,

The honorable Judgy Bitch presiding…over the fall television lineup.  On the docket for judgment this week will be the following defendants:

  1. The Good Wife – Bring me Mrs. Floric
  2. The Big Bang Theory – will Penny’s new hairdo upset the nerd to hot balance?
  3. Forever – Hot man who never dies and saves lives…I’m intrigued
  4. Gotham – It’s baby batman…need I say more?
  5. The Voice – The Bromance has been missing from my life…and is about to be reunited…will it feel so good?  Bring it, Sheldon and Levine.
  6. Chicago Fire – Everyone better be alive in there!
  7. The Mysteries of Laura – Grace with a gun….I’ll check it out.
  8. Modern Family – The gays are married…excited!
  9. Nashville – Bring back slutty Juliette or else
  10. Chicago PD – Hot cops…can’t wait.
  11. Vampire Diaries – Bring Damon back, or my judgment will rival the fires of hades!
  12. The Originals – Klaroline…it better happen.
  13. Grey’s Anatomy – No Sandra Oh….i fear for the success of this one.
  14. Scandal – it will be epic as always.
  15. How to Get Away With Murder – Miss Viola Davis representing!
  16. Parenthood – Tonight, with the Bravermans…
  17. The Amazing Race – please let there be some ridiculous women this season and a hot set of twins.
  18. Hawaii Five-0 – Mmmm….Scotty Caan!
  19. Blue Bloods – I predict being married to Jennie McCarthy will dampen Donnie’s performances.

It’s going to be a  full season of drama, people, let’s all urge it together, shall we?  Be my jury and post your thoughts after each season in my comments section!  Looking forward to the testimonies.

Happy Judging.

JB

Judgment of True Blood Season 7, Episode 3 – Fire in the Hole

Let us all bow our heads for a moment of silence for….Alcide! NO! WTF!?!?!?! Everyone is going to die in this final season, and it’s killing me! Ok, let’s start from the beginning.

Alcide, oh glorious, muscular, deep voice, growling Alcide, in all of his shirtless deliciousness comes down looking for Sookie and follows her scent through the woods to Vampire Bill’s house and beyond. And where is Sookie? In the car with Vampire Bill, who, looks old. Like really old! It’s not ok.

Anyway, they’ve decided to use Sookie as bait to attract the infected vampires to find out where Arlene and Holly and Sam’s baby mama are being held. Campy banter ensues, but big whop, it’s just Sookie and Bill doing the boring thing they do.

Meanwhile, Pam and Eric finally discuss his infection, and there is a flashback to the 80s when Pam and Eric were in France, and Eric was naked for most of that flashback, and I approve! I seriously approve! My beloved Viking was sexy as hell as he gave it to pretty little Sylvie. But his, “Biting, sucking and fucking” as the Authority calls it has drawn too much attention, and there’s a Japanese corporation about to create something called True Blood, and they want Eric to fall in line with their plans. Pam says fine, and Eric, as usual, tells the Authority to fuck off. The Japanese send a gaggle of samurai sword carrying badasses to confront Eric, managing to capture both Pam and Sylvie, and they make Eric choose which one to save. He chooses Pam, which I loved, but oh, those nasty samurai killed her painfully. It was mean. After the flashback, Eric tells Pam he’s just going to die, and no longer cares, but then she reminds him that the skankfaced Sarah Newlin is still alive because Jason let her go. Eric is suddenly motivated and off we go to California for a little Indian Delight.

Ms. Holier than Thou but will fuck anything that will offer her salvation is living in a guru’s compound, and she’s practicing more than one type of yoga. After watching her ride the guru to a tantric orgasm, she heads off to get a bottle of wine and the samurai arrive, yes the same ones that claimed Sylvie only moments ago, and decapitate the guru when he won’t give up the Skank’s location. She may have dodged that sword, but she won’t survive once Eric finds her. He’s infected. He’s pissed. And he’s Eric fucking Northman, so he will win in the end! She’s going to die, and I’m sooooo excited for it!

Sookie’s plan to capture the vampires sort of works, but not before the angry townspeople of Bon Temps blast off quite a few rounds landing at least three into Alcide. The infected vampires are killed in the mayhem, but in the end, Alcide doesn’t make it, and a wet, blood dripping from her hair, Sookie is crying over his body. I read in an article that when Joe Manganiello read that he was finally going to hook up with Sookie, he was all, “Well, I’m dead.” And yes, baby, yes you are, and we will miss that chest and those abs and those arms and those shoulders….ahem, forgive me.

The best storyline of the night (Ok, after naked Eric having all kinds of sex) was Lafayette entertaining Jessica’s soldier boy again. Soldier boy explains how vampires can’t swallow pills, and so LaLa creates himself a little cocktail of pills, and then lets Soldier Boy take a drink! There’s bonding and talking, and confession of attraction! (WAHOO!) And I’m gonna need to see some boy on boy action next week, people! Cuz it’s hot and I’m ready! Lafayette is do some love, and if it’s at the Baby Vampire’s expense, so be it!

I mean, watch him work it in this clip to open the scene and you will to:

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Go ‘head, Miss Girl!!

Verdict: Sad episode with a whole lotta sex, so thumbs up for me! Looking forward to next week to find out who they kill of then.

Happy Judging,

JB

Judgment of True Blood Season 7, Episode 2: I Found You

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This show!  This fucking show!  I am so sad it’s the last season, but I will say, HBO is going out with a bang!  If the first episode blew my mind, last night’s second episode rocked me to the core!

TB E&JThe opening scene, oh my god, the opening scene!  Finally, beloved Viking shows his stunning face as his talk slim frame walks through a stunning hotel, being followed by someone, and we quickly find out that someone is Jason!  Eric makes a martini, Jason confesses that he can’t get Eric out of his head, and tries to undress Eric, in only the goofy way Jason can. Next thing we know, shirts are off, and Jason is on top of Eric on the bed, touching and kissing, and shuddering.  And just when it’s about to get reallllly good, friggin cut to Jason sitting in a pew in church in Bon Temps having a damn dream!  Damnit!  So, is Eric really back, or is that all I get?

Well, the episode goes on as Sookie, Sam, Alcide, Andy and Jason go searching for Holly and Arlene and hope talking to the dead girl in the woods’ family at a neighboring town will help them.  Well, surprise surprise, they arrive only to find the town empty.  And while they’re out trying to find answers, the townspeople of Bon Temps are revolting against Sam’s plan of letting vampires help keep them safe and staying inside.  They take Andy’s fairy daughter and one of Holly’s boys and toss them into jail once they figure out she’s got magic.  Jessica vows to Andy to save her the minute the sun goes down.  Blah blah blah…all that was pretty boring.

The other fun storyline, however, was Tara’s bat shit crazy mama jonesing for V so that she can see Tara in a drug induced haze and has the balls to go to Lafayette for it.  Lafayette, oh my darling, fabulous Lafayette.  He is perfectly acted by the genius that is Nelsan Ellis, and this week’s episode was as delicious as always.  He puts his Auntie in her place, refuses to give her a fix, and expertly points out that we are all currently living in hell.  He’s amazing, and mesmerizing in only the way a Juilliard trained actor can be.  Bravo!  Well, crazy Mama figures out that if she hurts herself, Eric’s stupid little sister will let her drink from her, so she, wait for it, places her hand on a hot cast iron skillet on the stove!  ON PURPOSE!  This was so wrong, that i couldn’t watch her do it.  Shudder!  She gets what she wants, though, and does see Tara…hung on a cross…with a big yellow snake slithering on her body…speaking in tongues.  Mama goes even more nuts.  It was fantastic!

But the most impactful moment of the episode was the moment Pam finally finds my viking.  And this is what she sees:

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And I can’t even talk about it, I’m so upset.

Your thoughts on this episode?  My verdict: amazing as always, with a fucking sad ending! 😦

Happy Judging,

JB

Judgment of Undateable 6/26/14 Episodes Low Hanging Fruit and Daddy Issues

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Let’s start with Low Hanging Fruit, shall we?  Commitment Issues, Penis Naming, and Susan Sarandon’s daughter!  This episode rocked!!!!  The beautiful Eva Amurri Martino plays Sabrina, who is Danny’s current girl of the moment, as well as Leslie’s bestie.  UDLow Hanging Fruit

Sabrina has kept Danny’s interest for a month, and Justin feels the need to meddle to force Danny to try a ‘real’ relationship.  I’m sure you can all guess how that ends up.  It’s fantastic!  In the meantime, some guy has named Brett’s penis something terrible, so Leslie decides to help him rename it something more appropriate.  Fantastic writing, amazing comedic delivery, and you just have to watch it for yourself!

 

Now, Daddy Issues involves Justin’s dad coming for a visit, played by the yummy Tom Cavanagh who is slick and charming and charismatic, and Justin clearly is not thrilled to see him.  Come to find out, Dad abandoned Justin when he was 13 to pursue a singing career.  Justin’s birthday party is around the corner, and he wants his dad to leave before the party.  In a strange flip of plot, Danny decides to intervene and meddle in Justin’s life, and gets Dad to agree to stay for the party.  However, Dad’s flakiness rears it’s ugly head, and he bails at the last minute to go do a gig.  Justin is hurt and angry, and lashes out at Danny.  In the best scene of the episode, Leslie comes over to see how Danny is doing, and he’s soooooo drunk.  Stupidly, slurringly drunk, and it’s sad and hysterical all at the same time.  He has a very human moment of admitting that he feels badly that Justin is hurting, and blames himself.  At that moment, Justin comes out of the bedroom in an outfit that you just have to watch the episode to appreciate.  He’s super drunk as well.  They are ridiculous together, and I applaud the acting in that scene.  Daddy returns at the end of the episode, thanks to more Danny meddling, but this time it’s for good and not evil.  And Justin finally gets one over on his father by singing his face off.  UndateableOf course, Tom Cavanagh can’t sing at all, so there wasn’t much of a challenge.  That was disappointing.  I wish they’d cast an actor who could really sing, so that the challenge would have been better for Justin.  But Tom Cavanagh was yummy, as he always is (loops, my daddy issues are showing), so I forgive the bad singing.

In a side plot, Shelly messes with Sabrina and takes over her job for 48 hours as a waiter at the bar.  His marijuana speech is hysterical.  And something fun happens to Danny whenever you say ‘butterscotch’, which, again, you need to watch the episode to find out.

Watch last week’s episodes on NBC.com, sweeties, and tell me your thoughts.  My verdict:  I love this show like a fat kid loves cake!

Happy Judging,

JB