I know so many people who were anxiously awaiting the premier of the final season of HBO’s beloved True Blood, myself included! I invited friends over, I set the DVR, I popped popcorn, poured myself a glass of my favorite red in honor of the mayhem about to be enacted on my television and was ready for some blood! And I was not disappointed. At first.
The recap reminded me, not only about the whole vampire needs a human/human needs a vampire business, but that with the killing of Warlow, my glorious Norse God was set to flames as the last season came to a halt. And I said to the room, “If Erik doesn’t come back in this episode, I’m not watching this damn show anymore!”
Well, the opener had a gaggle of infected vampires attacking the little bbq being held outside of Bellefleur’s (fka Merlotte’s) and all the humans ran for their sad little lives. Not all were lucky enough to be spared. Some of my favorites, Arlene (I do love her flaming red hair) and Holly (gotta love a white trash witch) were snatched off into the woods along with Sam’s pregnant shifter baby mama. The regular studs did their best to fight off the vamps, oh to watch Jason and Alcide flexing and punching and mmmmmm! Yummy! And not to be outdone, Miss Tara bared her fangs and went after this mountain of a man who threatened to kill her mama! A strange slow motion, yet sped up fight scene showed Tara take a lickin’ and keep on kickin’! Until the battle was over and bat-shit-crazy-mama informs the group that Tara is dead. (Insert loud gasp, hands tossed in the hair silence before the cursing erupted inside the House of the Judgy Bitch)
“What the fuck?” was the general consensus of the moment. We are about two and a half minutes into the damn episode, and Tara’s dead? Tara? Dead? Are you fucking serious?!?! The second question asked by the room collectively, “And where the hell is Pam!” Blaine, my judgy little house boy reminded us all that Pam released Tara from her as her maker, so she wouldn’t know what the hell was going on in Bon Temps! Tara’s dead. Tara is fucking dead. I am not happy, and this seriously pissed me off!
Moving on, however, because we have 50 more minutes of episode to judge, let’s move back to the fact that Jessica is just hanging outside of Andy Bellefleur’s house trying to make up for the fact that she sucked three of his half fairy daughters dry of all their delicious honey flavored blood by protecting the last one left, and it’s just friggin pathetic. Andy gets a call telling him Holly has been taken, so he has to rush out, trust that his innocent daughter won’t be stupid enough to invite the murderer of her sisters in the house to go look for her, but not before verbally slapping Jessica across the face with the words we were all slapped with a few minutes earlier: Tara’s dead. I admit, I gave an eye roll as the news caused Jessica to do her famous blood tears, I swear, that girl just isn’t happy unless her mascara is running down her face in a pool of blood. And what does any girl do, when she finds out her bff has been turned into a pile of goo? She calls her hot, hunky, boyfriend of course!
Let’s pause for a moment to discuss how absolutely stunning this boy is? Thank you, Luke Grimes for being this amazingly gorgeous James Kent to life! Your deep voice and smoldering good looks make this Judgy Bitch very, very happy! Swoon!
Ok, back to the judgment, so the delicious Mr. Kent has decided to be Lafayette’s vampire for the moment, and with Tara dead (again!), they end up back at Lafayette’s boudoir for some much needed herbal refreshment. We get to hear the turning story of Jess’s man, and find out that he was turned in the 70s, partakes of the herb, oh, and is at least bisexual, if not a gay man, with the telling of the death of his best friend in the Vietnam War, and how said friend’s homophobic father beat James Kent within an inch of his life, and he would have died as well if a local vampire hadn’t taken pity on him. There’s a moment, perhaps I imagined it, but I don’t think I did, where the chemistry fires ignited between Lafayette and James, and all I could think is, look out, Jess, cuz you’re not match for Lafayette, girl!
The episode went downhill from there, in my humble opinion. Sookie can hear everyone judging her with their thoughts (and good on them!) and has a melt down with Alcide, but manages to apologize the best way she knows how: stripping down to her perky boobs and pressing her naked ass up against him and saying ‘I’m Sorry.’ Ugh, this girl, I swear. Although, good for Miss Anna Paquin having her body look that good after having babies! Go ‘head, Miss Thing!
Let’s wrap the rest of this quickly, as I started to not care, myself, other than I kept waiting to get a glimpse of my beloved Erik Northman. Sookie goes to church only to be shunned by Tara’s mother, blaming her for Tara’s death in the best hypocrisy moment to date. Shocking, I know. Sookie pleads to the congregation to let her help, and they just stare at her. The humans are being held at Fangtasia awaiting to be lunch for the infected ones. Some creepy infected old pig of a vampire and Jessica have a standoff at the Bellefleur house for the blood of Andy’s daughter. This lasts to sunrise where dumb girl invites Jessica in to save her from the sun. Jessica doesn’t eat her, but runs to the attic to avoid death. The creepy pig guy explodes in the sun. Pam plays a weird game of Russian roulette in Marakesh, and is searching for Erik, who, never friggin shows up in this episode! Oh, and Jason finally got to fuck his vampire keeper, and it was all kinds of hot and dirty and good for him!
All in all, I’d say it was an ok start, but I am not happy about Tara’s death. I am not happy about Erik’s absence (and contrary to my rant at the beginning, since Pam is clearly looking for him, I’ll keep watching…for now). But I am very happy I got to see Jason naked, that I got to see Anna Paquin remind me that she can act, and that the moment with Lafayette and James has wetted my appetite for amazingly scrumptious things to come in that story line!
My verdict: Entertaining, but only mildly at times.
Until next time, kiddies!